


“Hello, you’ve reached emergency response services"

by Radenierafire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 911 Call, Angst, Depression, Emergency Response!Dean, Heavy Angst, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Lost Castiel, Pre-Suicide Mission, Protective Dean, Protective Dean Winchester, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-16 17:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radenierafire/pseuds/Radenierafire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He just wanted to leave a note. He was so stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Call

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, this is far from finished, I just wanted the motivation to start writing again. Uh, I know it's really short, and I'm going to expand on this actually quite a bit. WARNING: The first chapter does not address it as much, but to be honest, the next few chapters will be very heavy centered around suicide.  
> ((The tags may change some, and the Destiel will be a bit late, but for right now that's it.))

Dean picked up the phone again, frowning at the strange background noise. He quickly recited his greeting. “Hello, you’ve reached emergency response services, what is your emergency?” He hears a sharp intake of breath followed by a deep voice speaking hurriedly  
“I am so sorry, this was extremely stupid. My apologies for the inconvenience. I should go.”  
Dean frowned, usually he would write it off as a silly prank, but something in this guy’s tone worried him. “Hey, don’t worry about it. What is going on.”  
“Nothing. It is not a matter of emergency, I just- I should not have taken a response line. I should hang up.” The man’s voice indeed seemed naturally low, but it also sounded hoarse.  
Dean pressed again, “Wait. Just tell me where you are. Is there someone around that makes you think you shouldn’t call?”  
A pause, followed by a quiet “I’m on a bridge, and the only people around are the ones driving beneath me.”  
Dean frowned, confusion clouding his head. “You’re on a bridge, what happened on the bridge.”  
“Nothing yet. Just- Forget that I called, I am sorry.”  
Dean huffed, shifting and tracing the call to figure out where this man really was. “I’m not going to forget, and you don’t have to keep apologizing. Just tell me why you called here today.” The man remained silent for another few moments and Dean was certain that he might hang up before he got the chance to trace the call. “Can you, at least, tell me your name?”  
Another moment of silence and then a short, soft “Castiel.”  
He sighed in relief, this was a start. He had gone through shit loads of training for every type of call, and usually, if he could get the caller to identify themselves it meant that he could get other information from them. He tried to recall the next lines he was supposed to recite but he couldn’t. Instead, he looked around to make sure that no one else was paying any attention to him. He spoke softly. “Okay,” breathing out slowly “Okay, Castiel. I’m Dean, and I believe . . . That there is a good reason that you called. But uh, I can’t figure out that reason unless you talk to me. Please, I just want to know.” Once again the silence made him nervous, but after a while, Castiel responded.  
“I was going to leave a note,” He mumbled through the phone.  
Dean paused, frowning “What do you mean?”  
A short harsh laugh came through the line and Castiel spoke bitterly “Well see I watch this show, and one of the characters- Well . . . he is planning to jump from a roof, but not really . . . Anyway, so he calls his best friend to leave a note, a goodbye. Only I- I do not have a best friend or anyone else to call . . . And I do not have any hotline numbers.”  
Dean’s frown deepened. He glanced again at the screen, it had traced the call. Castiel was in the middle of a bridge that went over I90. Suddenly it clicked and Dean felt like an idiot. “You’re planning to jump . . . “  
“Yes.” Castiel’s voice had been hoarse and nervous, but at that question, there was no hesitation. He was planning, he had been planning, and that wasn’t going to change. He just- He had wanted someone to know.


	2. Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So A.) I'm shit. I know. I promised it would at latest be out by yesterday. I am so sorry, I kinda got hit by like a shit ton of crap. Regardless I'm really sorry. B.) Kinda wanna put out this disclaimer that I'm basing this off of an experience. Responses vary for people, and I am not trying to say or insinuate that this interaction would work in every situation. Guys. Please. This is one variation. And finally C.) This one is a bit longer, but unfortunately for some people pretty much every chapter is going to be a cliffhanger. :)

Dean quickly and silently sent someone to the bridge. Whether they would get there in time or not, now that was a completely different question. He internally went over everything he could think of as for how to get this man, Castiel, to find his friggin will to live. His training didn’t really call for suicide prevention, and he was pretty much internally freaking out. However, he kept his voice very calm as he addressed the man. “So you wanted to leave a note?”  
Castiel’s response was a bit slower, a bit less sure. “I do.”  
“What did you want that note to say?” Dean asked carefully, he had so many questions but he didn’t know quite how Castiel would react to being bombarded with them.  
“I- do not know.”  
He frowned, why would Castiel have called if he didn’t have something to say. I don’t have anyone else to call. “There’s no one you want to say ‘I love you’ to?”  
Silence. Dean tried to imagine being in Castiel’s place. He thought pretty little of himself, but he didn’t focus on it. He knew that he was a purpose, though a small one. He was here to help people. Did Castiel realize that, even though it is very cliche, he too had a purpose? Dean pondered what Castiel’s purpose was. He spoke slowly, “Do you have family?”  
Castiel sighed slightly and Dean could swear that he heard Castiel whimper, but his voice did not show the same emotion. “I have a brother.”  
Hope. “A brother? Can you maybe talk to me about him?”  
“Why?” Castiel’s voice had returned to it’s somewhat emotionless state.  
“Because I’m very curious, and obviously became an emergency line responder to get into people’s business.” Dean attempted a bit of humor. “But seriously, I am curious.” Especially considering his own brother, Dean knew it would be hard to leave him behind. He wanted to get Castiel to focus on that. Maybe change his mind.  
“He uh, he is my older brother. Perhaps it could be said that he is one of my older siblings, however, none of the others are quite familial.” Castiel’s voice didn't sound bitter, as Dean would have expected from that kind of statement. It sounded resigned, and sad. “His name is Gabriel.”  
“Gabriel?”  
“Yes.” He sighed through the line, and Dean heard a particularly loud car drive past.  
He shifted a bit and bit his lip. Stalling. “Can you tell me about Gabriel? What’s he like?” The nearest available dispatcher was, in fact, forty-five minutes from the bridge. Today had been quite hectic. Dean needed to keep Castiel on the phone.  
Castiel’s voice is a bit hesitant. “He is my brother.”  
“Yeah,” Dean bit his lip, “but he’s gotta do other things also.”  
Castiel’s voice sounded skeptical and it’s hesitancy remained thick, but he spoke, stating “He tells jokes.”  
A bit more relief flooded through Dean, “Yeah? Like funny-jokes? Or I’m-Gonna-Laugh-Or-Else-You’re-Not-Gonna-Shut-Up-Jokes?”  
The brief sound of Castiel’s sad laugh was a symphony to Dean’s ears, and Castiel responded a bit less tensely “The latter usually, however, there are occasions where he tells a funny joke. They are few and far apart, but still present.”  
Dean smiled a bit, and continued to ask “Okay, so what? Can you tell me what one of his jokes were?”  
Though his voice was slow, Castiel began to recount one of the many infamous pranks. “I was about five. Two of the people Gabriel cared most about were fighting, and he simply was tired of it.” Another small humorless laugh “Try telling young Gabe not to go to the extremes. He went through a very elaborate scheme, in the end getting both of them to believe that the other never existed.” Castiel’s voice was thick with sorrow, “It was a bad joke, but when they both were under that impression they admitted how much they really needed and loved one another. Gabriel, always one for the dramatics, was triumphant in both achieving his own goal and recreating every other teen movie in existence.”  
Dean could not help his laugh, especially the admission of the joke’s cliche nature. “You remember this from when you were five?”  
“I remember my every encounter with him. Even the bad ones. He is my brother.” Castiel’s voice returned to it’s sad tone. Dean frowned a bit.  
“Is it just you two? Or do you have any other family?”  
A bitter, “I have other blood relatives.” was the response.  
Dean carefully avoided that conversation. “Does Gabriel know where you are right now?”  
“Obviously not.”  
He bit his lip, speaking softly “How do you think he would feel?” Castiel’s end of the line was silent, and Dean briefly worried that the man had hung up on him. He spoke again a bit more swiftly, “You two are close, I mean, brothers care about each other.”  
There was shuffling “Of course.”  
“Do you care for him?” Dean bit his lip, perhaps he could find a different angle to do this.  
“Of course.”  
“So you wouldn’t want him to be hurting?” He held his breath.  
“Of course not.”  
Dean glanced at the picture of Sam on the wall of his station. His own baby brother, imagining if it was him on the bridge. “How badly do you think that he’s gonna hurt at your funeral?” Silence. “Cas, listen to me. He needs you more than you’ll ever know. You feel lost right now, feel like you don’t have a purpose, or you’d be better off anywhere else? You are so wrong. I’ve got this kid brother, dude’s like ten feet tall and annoying as I’ll get out, but god knows that I need him.”  
Castiel interrupted him, “You don’t have any idea what you are speaking of. I am expendable. When I am gone, Gabriel will simply find someone else to go to.” His voice was angry, but the ever present sound of doubt was there.  
“But you don’t believe that. Do you? If you believed that, then why didn’t you call him today? Why didn’t you text him, because I know that he would’ve been a much more important person to leave your note to than I am.” Dean’s voice was steady and calm and he was trying to put as much reason into it as he could. “Cas somewhere deep inside you know how much he loves you and how much he needs you. I don’t know what you are dealing with.” He swallowed, “Depression, anxiety, maybe someone else in your family just past away. Maybe, hell, nothing is wrong and you just felt like you needed a way out. I don’t know that, but I know something else. Eventually, the pull to live isn’t going to be enough if it’s for someone else. You cannot live your whole life for Gabriel, but sometimes it takes a little bit of living for someone else, to realize why you want to live for yourself.” Dean was silent after that, and the thought crossed his mind yet again that Castiel hung up on him. “I think you should try it. Try living tfor someone else, to find out why you should live for yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again guys.  
> This is only one reaction. I know that in the end it has to be a person's own decision to live for themselves. However, at some point when you live for others, you start to see the parts of you that make them happy, that help them. This does not work for everyone. I understand that. Lord know's I know that. Please, other people, know that.  
> I'm open guys, to anyone that needs to talk.  
> (Yeah I know I'm a creepy internet person, but sometimes it is easier to speak to someone who cannot judge you, or won't scrutinize your every word. I am pretty open to being that person. Any time. I don't judge. I only know how hard it is to be alone and don't want anyone else to feel that way.)  
> My email is radenierafire@gmail.com


	3. What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS PLEASE: I want to explain this. Sometimes it is easiest for a person to take one step at a time. They first have to understand that they are wanted and needed by others before they can look deeper and realize that they themselves have a want/need/drive to live. If for a while you live for someone else, you may look at all of the reasons you live for them and realize that those reasons are good qualities that you possess. If you are living because you make someone laugh, you could realize that hey, 'I'm pretty funny', etc.  
> Like I was saying it doesn't always work for everyone, and I really did not want to give off that impression. It is often not that simple. (It is also very hard to do it anyway.) For some people, they can be so wrapped up in their head, and their insecurities/illnesses/inabilities can attack them so much that they still can see it. Depression and suicidal feelings are not things to be given one simple solution to. ((I told a person this in the comments, and I just wanted to clear it up.))
> 
> ALSO WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS FROM CASTIEL'S POINT OF VIEW. Therefore, it is hella angsty. I have not decided yet, but I think that there will be more chapters from his point of view. They will probably get worse. I'm sorry.

It had been so sunny. Everything else had seemed so perfect. What the hell happened? It was yet another mindless day, doing whatever mindless work he was supposed to at his father’s company. He was driving to a different building of the corporation, yet when he got to this damn bridge he pulled over. He pulled over and for some reason he convinced himself to get out of the damn car, and he couldn’t do the same to get himself back into the car. He climbed to the edge and realized just how amazing the drop looked. So tempting. He was only human after all. However, he didn’t want to be a fallen tree in a forest. He knew he wasn’t worth it, but he wanted someone to know. To care. So he called. Castiel bit his bottom lip, listening to the sound of this man’s voice.  _ Dean. _ Why was Dean still speaking to him? Why was this random guy trying to reason with him? What did it matter? 

_ How badly do you think he’s gonna hurt at your funeral? _

Castiel frowned, thinking of it. Gabriel, at Castiel’s funeral. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that Gabriel’s ever present smirk would be blatantly missing if he were to attend Castiel’s funeral. He didn’t want to contemplate the change in his brother if Castiel were to fall to temptation and indeed fall. Gabriel put up a very convincing facade, but he was too caring for his own good. In the end, losing Castiel? It would hurt Gabriel quite a bit.

However, Castiel did not know why. He didn’t understand any of the good that Gabriel claimed to see, or what use he was to anyone. He wanted to be there those he cared about. He wanted to take care of his older brother, but that didn’t matter if he didn’t know how to, and he did not. He didn’t understand how to give affection to others. He didn’t know how to speak to people who needed him most. He was defective that way. This man, Dean, whoever he was, seemed to know. Gabriel knew. Everyone knew. Everyone except Castiel knew. 

He sighed and stared at the cars driving past below him. All of the people who neither knew of nor cared for him. He did not want to jump per se, but he knew that he should. Dean did not know what he was talking about. Why was he still talking? Why was Castiel still listening? “You keep calling me Cas.”

Dean’s voice came back through the phone almost hesitantly, “Yeah, well Castiel is a long word and I just was kinda focusing on the more important things that needed to be said.”

Castiel thought for a few moments. “Cas?”

“You know, short for Castiel? It’s just-”

He rolled his eyes slightly, both at himself and at Dean, “No, I understood that. I’ve simply never been called it.”

He looked down again and bit his bottom lip. It was necessary. He has served his purpose in the world.  _ Try living for someone else, to find out why you should live for yourself. _ He swallowed hard, “So what if I listen to you?”

The strong hint of hope in Dean’s voice almost made Castiel laugh, “Are you thinking about it? Thinking you might want to listen to me?”

He grits his teeth, “It is not a matter of what I want.”

“It isn’t.” Dean’s voice wasn’t quite inquisitive enough for it to sound like a question, but Castiel understood that it was one. 

“You think I wanted to be here? That I wanted to come to this point? You would be mistaken. I am simply doing what is needed.” Even Castiel could tell that the words came out sounding very mechanic. These were the words that had been his mantra for the last few months, every time he contemplated his fate.

Dean’s voice was slow, not desperate or exasperated, simply curious. “Why is this needed?”

“Because I have ceased to contribute anything good in this world.” Castiel began to feel a bit sick from the height. He tried to keep his sorrow out of his voice, but his attempts were in vain. “This world is ridden with so much bad and useless existence, it is my responsibility not to add to the burden. I have no good. I am no longer useful.”

“What about Gabriel?” 

Castiel frowned, hadn’t Dean understood by now? “He does not need me. No longer does he need to take care of me. No longer am I of use to him. I am too sad. Too pathetic to any longer help him.”

There was a bit of a pause and Dean sighed in thought. He spoke softly, “Have you ever sprained a joint Cas?”

Castiel’s eyes squinted and he tilted his head, his hand squished between his shoulder and the phone pressing into his ear. “Yes. I sprained my ankle.”

“You know how when you sprained your ankle, you couldn’t quite remember what it was like to walk normal? How every time you moved it, it hurt, and you couldn’t quite recall what it was like for your ankle to work right?” 

Castiel couldn’t seem to figure out what this had to do with anything, but Dean sounded very serious so he responded with a short “Yes?”

“Did you want to cut off your ankle?” The question was posed so bluntly.

“Excuse me?” He frowned, piecing it together slowly “No . . . “

He could almost hear Dean nodding. “Exactly.” He sighed,  _ What? _ “Cas . . tiel. Your ankle, a very necessary part of your existence, was hurt. Something bad happened to it, and it no longer seemed to work quite right. You may have been irritated with it, you may have been upset with the circumstances, but you never wanted to get rid of it.”  _ Oh. Great. _ “Dude, I can practically hear you rolling your eyes. Bear with me.” Dean sighed slightly, “Right now, you cannot see yourself being of any use. Maybe something happened, maybe like I said depression, anxiety, etc, or maybe it’s something circumstantial. There is something in your life preventing you from feeling good. From feeling right.”

Castiel grits his teeth at the pause, “Yes well that is a very inspirational speech-”

“But what happened after a little while? What did your ankle do?” Dean refused to let himself be interrupted.

A small sigh of understanding slipped from Castiel as he admitted: “It healed.”

“Exactly. Would it have healed if you had chopped it off? Or continued to do exactly what you had done to hurt it in the first place?”

He deflated some, “No. It would not have.”

“So, Castiel think. Think about yourself. You have been hurt. Something in your life, whatever it may be, made you feel this way. Man, the possibilities are endless. Relationships, family, work, appearance, stress, excitement, every fucking thing has the possibility. But you cannot heal, you cannot find your own use if you cut yourself off. You cannot change yourself if you keep your every circumstance the same. Something needs to change, but nothing needs to end. You don’t need to end.” Castiel blinked away the wetness in his eyes, when the hell did he start crying? He tried to shift his grip tighter, when the hell did he start shaking? He looked at the sky, when the hell did he stop feeling like he wanted to fly and started feeling like falling was the only option? Were there other options? “Castiel, it’s gonna be really friggin hard. I refuse to sugar coat it. I know that it’s going to be really hard, but I’m convinced that if there was no part of you wanting to fight that fight you wouldn’t have even thought of calling. But you had that thought. Some remote part of you wanted to call. Some part of you has been winning the little fights for all this time.” Dean seemed to swallow back words. He seemed to hold back from his next burst. Castiel thought hard on what he had said. 

“Maybe-” He stopped. It was necessary. Wasn’t it? “Maybe . . .”


End file.
